I Believe…I Do

  Several years ago if you’d asked me what passage in the Bible most spoke to me, I’d have said Philippians 4:6-7: “Do not be anxious about anything but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.  And the peace of God which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” I just looked it up to be sure I quoted it correctly and it wasn’t even underlined.  That’s huge for me!  I’d have thought it’d be underlined, highlighted and circled, but God has brought me so far.  It seems like just a short time ago when I was quoting that verse to myself in an effort to pull my frightened self together. I still have anxious moments, but it’s no longer the defining feature of my life. Lately I’ve had trouble with trusting God’s best. Maybe it’s because I’ve experienced big time difficulties and even seen God use them in amazing ways in my life and the lives of others that I struggle. I’m worried that God is going to continue to strengthen my faith and grow me through difficult things.   I don’t want any more difficult things…well, BIG difficult things. But, honestly, this life seems to be one overwhelming, exhausting moment after another. Maybe I’m not as anxious about things happening as understanding why things happen.  I want understanding, perspective, peace, and rest. Sometimes it all seems so elusive. I’m so tired of talking about how overwhelmed and exhausted I am, unfortunately it’s the truth.  I want God to step in and fix this life…make it easier.  There are times when I would do anything to “fix” it, but I know that God’s plan is and will be best.  I just want things better on my time line, not His.  It feels like he is taking way too long. Sometimes it feels like my prayers are more pleas without hope.  Prayers that I know God could answer and will if they are in His will, but prayers that I wonder if He will. I identify with the desperate father in Mark 9 who requests that Jesus heal his son.  He says to Jesus, “But if you can do anything, have compassion on us and help us.” And Jesus said to him, “If you can!  All things are possible for one who believes.” Immediately the father of the child cried out and said, “I believe; help my unbelief!” (Mark 9:22-24) I’m so that father!  How often do I think and even pray – God, if you can, please help me…?!  I pray that way too much!  If You can!?  If God can?!  Even as I type that I’m wondering what I’m thinking when I doubt that God can do anything. When Jesus said that all things are possible for one who believes, the father was faced with his own failure to trust God.  Just like I am.  His response is mine,

“I believe; help my unbelief!”

Even as I try to figure this out…this belief/unbelief thing…I don’t know why it is so difficult to trust my faithful, loving God with my life and lives of my children.  Has He not proved himself trustworthy?  Yes.  Has He not loved me beyond my comprehension? Yes.  Has He not been faithful even in the face of my faithlessness? Yes.  So why do I struggle so? I wish I knew.  But I know that I can speak the truth of Scripture to myself and I can pray for God to strengthen me and I can remember His faithfulness in days past…even today.   And I can remind myself that I do believe that God will help me.  I do believe that He loves me and my children more than I can even imagine.  I do believe that He will take care of us.  I do believe that His will is best.  I do believe that He is good and He is sovereign.  I do believe that our lives are in His hands.  I do believe.