Scraping Bottom

At the end of most days, I felt like I was scraping the last bit of refreshing ice cream out of our dessert bowl and finding there is nothing left (but wanting more.) I felt empty but wanted more of sweet refreshment in time and energy that was lacking at the end of most days! No energy, no happiness, no feeling of accomplishment, and sometimes no will to keep going in life! Depleted, exhausted, and discouraged were my days and heart – resembling a desert not a dessert….dry, needing refreshment, parched, dead. One particular day of non-stop care for my son Joey, who has physical and intellectual disabilities and was also was ill with vomiting, a high fever, and one gran mal seizure after another had me hanging by a fingernail at the end of my rope.  Watching him go through the seizures was like watching popcorn kernels popping in a clear-lid pan. One would end and other would pop up. His seizures were frightening for both of us; being at each other’s side was reassuring. Others needed reassuring too, so the rope I was hanging onto turned into a tug of war with daily responsibilities, meeting my 2 daughters’ needs, trying to get food on the table, and the list goes on! In a moment of exhaustion I said to my husband, “I don’t think I can to this anymore.” His gentle and kind response, “Let’s just give it ‘til the morning.” As late night drifted into the next day so did my prayers to God. I finally sensed a cloud of comfort under me as my head, prayers, and sleep hit the pillow at the same time, “Please, let me die. I have nothing left. Let Joe find a stronger woman to marry and she can do all of this. I don’t want to do it again tomorrow.” Instead of waking in heaven liked I’d hoped, God used my husband’s gentle words and gave me what I needed to make it one more day; a way to live and pray instead of giving up when I had nothing left. As God wants me to serve, He gives me what He wants to build in me: character; and He let’s me live from a trial to a triumph. As we relinquish our rights and cling to our responsibilities we realize we’ll find the hope He can give even when we’re scraping bottom.