Motherhood :: Logic Need Not Apply

  Some days I just feel like quitting. Motherhood.   For 32 years I’ve been caring for our son who has special needs (cerebral palsy, epilepsy, developmental delays, mental handicaps, and lots of allergies – some severe and possibly fatal – namely peanuts). Both my husband and I are on watch all the time. Where is he? What is he eating? What can he eat? What can’t he eat? What is he watching on TV; listening to on his CD player? Why is he not in the family room? WHERE IS HE? Oh, he’s in the basement with scissors in his hand opening a DVD that is still in the cellophane. When and how did he get down there so fast? Why did he get the Oreos and graham crackers out – is he telling me he’s hungry? He JUST had breakfast.   I try to apply logic to answer these questions but often to no avail!   He is very mobile (for which we give thanks) and he did start talking at @ age 12 (for which we mostly give thanks!), and he has a job (supervised – we provide the 13,000 worth of transportation every year…for ten years now. Two hours on the road each day. Wow…do the math!), but to each of these things are attached limitations. I’m finding that attached to these limits is seldom logic! These limitations however also limit us. There lies the reason I have occasionally wanted to quit Motherhood. I want to figure it all out  but there will never be a logical way to do so!  

• Sometimes I can’t understand a word my son is trying to communicate. That limits him in his ability to communicate and it limits me in what I can do for him. It limits my understanding of his needs, frustrations, irritations, etc. that I so desire to meet. If only logic applied here!

• Sometimes his mobility is frustrating because he’s figured out just how to pull his arm away from me and take off on those long limbs (did I mention he’s 6’4” tall?) and I can’t catch him before he stumbles and falls, or simply gets away to his bedroom-slamming the door as I approach.

• Sometimes he hits, or spits, or yells, or acts like a 2 year old. It’s would be nice to put him in time out, but he doesn’t understand it, it doesn’t work, and it’s hard to “put” him there. I can’t lift him and if he’s being obstinate, there is no reasoning with him. Reasoning and logic go hand in hand. He does neither.

  But when he comes to sit next to me on the couch, puts his arm around me and says, “Mom, you love me?” or “Mom, I love you forever,” I realize there is no logic. When I check on him at the end of the day and cover him (and he takes my hand, kisses it and says, “thanks”) I realize there is no logic – even at the end of the day. I just love him. I deal with the challenges because I love him. I deal with helping him shower and shave because I love him. I help him in the bathroom simply because I love him. I don’t think about it. There is nothing to “logic” my way through doing what comes very naturally and easily to a mom who loves her child (no matter how big or how old they are!)…we just do it.   I’m glad when I applied for the job of Mom, needing logic simply didn’t apply!